James 1940-2026

James passed away just before midnight last night, June 7th. We had been together for 34 years.

He declined quite rapidly. The photo above was taken by our friend John on Saturday afternoon as he was dozing between their chats. On the table you can see some small key lime pies that John had brought from Steve’s Authentic in Red Hook. One of those was the last thing James ate.

We were pretty sure he had 24-48 hours remaining by late Saturday afternoon. Around 6pm he said he wanted to go to bed. When we put him to bed, he told me he didn’t want to live anymore, and asked if I could do anything to speed it up. I told him I could not, but he would soon be sleeping all of the time and wouldn’t feel the pain or unhappiness. I awakened every 3 hours overnight to give him Dilaudid so he wouldn’t wake up in pain.

On Sunday, I was very lucky to have his doctor niece Mary Jo arrive and take over managing the medications.

Three other friends including David, who has been volunteering as an additional caregiver, spent hours with us talking in the room while James slept. We played some of his favorite music: Mozart, Schubert, and Bruckner. All were recordings he had given me as gifts when we first became a couple in the early 90s. He occasionally woke for a few minutes and was often lucid.

Everyone left in the evening. I planned to sleep in the living room instead of my bedroom so that I would be close by. When I went to check on him a little before midnight, he had stopped breathing. I texted David to ask him to come back to wait with me, and he arrived in 15 minutes.

As I had been instructed, I called hospice first. They said I should wait for their nurse to arrive and confirm the death. A while later, the spiritual counselor on call at hospice called me and asked for James’s full name and time of death. He said I didn’t need to wait for the nurse and I could call the funeral home to pick up his remains. I called them around 1am.

David and I sat and talked in the room with James in the bed, and played more of his favorite music. When I was talking about the music, I realized I would no longer have someone like James with his knowledge and curiosity to discuss such things. It’s wonderful that we still had so many interesting conversations after over 30 years.

The funeral workers arrived at 2:30. David told me I didn’t need to be there for this and he would stay with them until they took James away. I went to a different room. After they left, he asked if I wanted him to throw away anything in the room, so we threw out the sheets and pillow from the bed. He asked about James’s shoes next to the bed, but I said I wanted to leave those. I can’t express how much he has meant to me in the last weeks.

I went to bed around 3, but I couldn’t sleep. Today is my 60th birthday, so Mary Jo took me out to lunch. I like to think that James wanted to pass before my birthday. Afterward, I went to the funeral home to sign papers, then got home at 4. I have been sleeping most of the time since then. I have told friends I don’t need visitors now. I want to rest for a few days first.

It has been incredibly moving to have so many friends visiting and helping out.

Please celebrate him by enjoying some art: visual, performing, literary, whatever you like.